I saw my doctor today for my 6 week follow-up. I told him about my physical concerns regarding PCOS and how I’ve been feeling lately (overwhelmed & indecisive) as well as my latest fear of death.
I procrastinate sleeping out of nervousness. It seems that when I’m lying in bed and all is still I suddenly start to feel panicky about death. The last time I felt like this I was 15 and for very specific reasons. Now, I sometimes feel a presence and it pulls me out of sleep. I worry about my dad and want to call him, but it’s usually 3 am or so. Sometimes I’m just laying in bed and wide-eyed waiting to sleep. I try to distract my concerns of death with other thoughts, but the thoughts bring me back. It takes a while, but eventually I fall asleep. Unfortunately it’s usually late and I wake up too late to work out before having to get ready for work.
Anyhow, my doctor gave me an new remedy to help with the physical and mental stuff as well as some good advice. He said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that sometimes we (I) want to go from A – Z in one step, and we forget that it’s the small steps that produce significant movement. When he said this I knew that it was something that had to sink in. And now as I type these words down, I realize that this not only applies to my job, living space, career, and school, but to my weight loss journey too. It’s the steps I take that produce movement. Movement produces fitness. In other areas in life, I need to look at small steps (decisions), rather than fixate on the “big” picture.
Perhaps it is my wanting change so badly (and yet fearing it at the same time) that is bringing back my fear death. Maybe I need to remind myself that fear = change and that the changes I choose to make should be steps towards my goals, and not leaps into the unknown.