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In retrospect…

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You may as well tell me that grass is really pink and that the sun is really green. I can’t believe that all this time, what I thought was “normal” was really just sad and pathetic.

For a while I’ve known that (despite my better judgement) I tend to have relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t sure why this kept happening since this is not what I want. 
I asked a few people what they considered “normal” contact in a relatio
nship. How often do you call each other? How often do you see each other? Everyone I asked said almost daily. Three days of no contact was unacceptable and a sign of problems. 
WHAT?!?
Here I was thinking that daily was too much and that calling maybe 2 times a week was normal. I was floored. 
It was clear to me that I had become accustomed to neglect.
Naturally I looked back. I reflected on my choices and environment. I thought of my friends, sisters, brothers, and parents. What jumped out at me was unexpected. I realized that growing up I was taught that weakness is unacceptable. 
Our family speaks so negatively of people (women) who are whiny, clingy, & needy. They are seen as weak. 
So I naturally wanted to be the exact opposite of that. 
Which is quiet, strong, self-sufficient. Independent to a fault. To the point where I push away everyone and attract only those who cannot (will not) give. 
I am independent by nature. But I don’t want to be dependent. I know no middle ground to that. What does that look like in regards to relationships???

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About Ahimsa

Vegan Freak, Dharma Punk, Curious Cat

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