At times I find myself looking back at my past relationships, most of which were painful. I know now that I have a pattern of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable. A self-fulfilling prophecy if you will, because at my core, I believe that I do not deserve what I want. I’m also learning that I have no idea how to express what I want. It’s a strange concept for me.
But not all of my past relationships were so painful and at one point in my life, I felt that I deserved what I wanted. Why did this go away?
I have twice felt a love returned. It’s a beautiful experience regardless of the fact that those relationships ended. It echoes true the lyric “The greatest thing you ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return”.
The first was a juvenile love. A love where you’re thoughts are consumed by the other, and you have no doubt that the other feels the same about you. You spend countless hours in each others presence and somehow it’s not enough. It lasted years, but the bliss lasted for about a year. It was my first heartbreak.
The second one was a little over 10 years later. I was in emotional pain from a terrible relationship that had ended. I was in no condition to start a new relationship, but somehow I managed to go out on a date. To my surprise we clicked incredibly and in a way I hadn’t experienced before. Problem was, I was moving away, but as the months passed, we kept in touch. Then one day I realized that I wanted to take a chance at having a relationship that was giving, loving, healthy, and fearless.
This generous person was willing to be just as fearless as me and this is what made the relationship fabulous and unlike any other I had before. We put our emotions on the line, and checked our baggage at the door. Unknowing where the future wold take us, we took a chance at falling in love. I remember telling myself, “Why not try something different. Why not try a relationship that is giving?”
It was a great experience. Many months passed and the relationship seemed to stay solid. Who knows why things ended, but they did. Maybe it was too much of a good thing. Maybe it was boredom. Maybe it was self-sabotage. Whatever the case, it ended mutually and without malice.
I don’t regret the ending of either of these relationships. Mostly because I learned what love feels like both given and received. But mainly because I now know that the difference between a healthy love and unhealthy love is simple.
Both of you must be fearless to fall in love.