“If You Can’t Love Yourself…” and the Gift of Being Single

I’ve noticed that, despite not liking being a singleton, I’m getting very picky about dating. Specifically on-line dating. The messaging stage is my common filter. I don’t respond to 98% of the messages I receive, and if I do, I’m quick to end any pursuit once I notice a red flag. Well, I call them red flags. I may just be too picky, or traumatized, or a combination of all three.

This is a list of things I don’t respond to:

  • Any message that starts with or has any resemblance to, “Are you DTF?”, “Hey Sexy.”, or “Call me”. I’m sorry, did I accidentally post on Craigslist?
  • Anyone whose message consists of just one word. If you aren’t going to put any effort into your first message to me, then what kind of effort are you going to put into a relationship?
  • Any profile of a person that is hyper critical or has any hint of homophobia.
  • Anyone who can’t accept my being vegan and/or pansexual or wants to argue/debate about veganism and/or pansexuality. There’s a huge difference between asking to understand and asking to argue.
  • Anyone who rushes into wanting to meet AND I’m not feeling much of a connection with. At least try to win me over. Plus it reeks of desperation and/or booty call.
  • Anyone who messages me and doesn’t ask me a question or reference something I have in my profile. This gives me the impression that you don’t really put much effort into knowing who you’re talking to.
  • Anyone without a profile picture. C’mon now. If I can put my mug up there for the world to see it can’t be impossible. What are you hiding? Secrets and/or insecurity aren’t exactly a good way to start any relationship.

And this is just the first message stage. There’s a whole other set of hurdles once you meet and have a few dates. Jeez, dating is exhausting!

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not someone who is sitting up on her throne demanding that suitors prove their worthiness. I just have a better idea of who I am and a better idea of the type of person I want in my life. I also have a better idea of the silliness that I’m no longer willing to put up with.

An old boyfriend told me that “guys will get away with as much as you let them”. This may sound like blaming the victim, but in my case, I own the fact that I chose partners who were not good for me. I put up with a lot of bullshit when I really didn’t have to. But when you know better, you do better. And it may take a few rounds to really get that routine down.

So I don’t necessarily believe that “guys will get away with as much as you let them”. No, I believe that immature people who aren’t able to own their shit will get away with what they can.

So as it stands I’d rather be alone than bounce from one ill-fated relationship (or casual sex partner) to the next. I use to be jealous of people who seamlessly went from one relationship to another. But now, I understand that solitude is gift that many people are too afraid to open. I mean think about it, if you don’t want to be with yourself, then how can you expect others to want to be with you? If you’re so great to be around, then why are you so repulsed by your own presence?

Staying in an unhappy relationship, or rushing into relationships, out of fear of being alone only results in self-abandonment. And the repercussions of those choices will be felt no matter how hard you try to turn a blind eye.

So what does all of this mean?

It means I’m more willing to do this:

Than this:


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